#guess it was easier to just remind me how much of a burden i was

[slippery-minghus]

you ever like. remember a medical thing you got that your parents gave you shit for costing so much money? and like, yeah it would take a decent understanding of how insurance works (which is frankly your prerogative as an adult to learn) but they could have totally taken steps for that thing to have not costed so much?

like, they could've fucking fought for you? instead of being upset that the money they had (and could afford to spend!) had to be spent on you and not themselves?

because you were in pain and needed fucking help?

[yayakoishii]

Picture This | Balam Shichirou x Reader

Fandom: Mairimashita Iruma-kun

Pairing: Balam Shichirou x GN! Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Genre/Tags: Fluff

Summary: You find out about the kind and gentle Balam Shichirou and meet him with a proposition of your own.

A/n: I have known this demon for 3 episodes and I'm in LOVE;; so I basically got possessed by the sudden urge to write something for him. he's the kindest, the sweetest, the BEST TEACHER EVER 😭 I love teachers like him so much, this was very self-indulgent and kinda just me admiring him hehe... I hope you enjoy this short thing I wrote, even though there's a high chance that he might be slightly ooc since I haven't known him for longer than 3 episodes.

also available on ao3!

The chatter in the class was a low hum as everyone worked on their own worksheets that you had just printed out. The Apocalypse Test was close and as a new teacher at Babyls, you wanted your first results to reflect well. If the results were not good then that would mean you had to work harder as a teacher.

You were walking amongst the students, listening in on their discussions or aiding them in finding where the answer could be found in the textbook. It was an open book, open discussion worksheet solving session and you were pleased with how well the students seemed to be handling it without making too much noise. The abnormal class could be really serious about studying when they put their mind to it, huh?

The bobbing of a blue head caught your attention and you walked closer to Iruma's seat. As always, he was sitting between Alice and Clara but the three of them were referring to their own books. (Except for Clara; you were pretty sure the book in her hand had nothing to do with studying��) The book in Iruma's hand was one you had never seen before but it looked interesting.

"Iruma-kun?" You stopped in front of his desk and looked down at the book curiously. Said boy startled and looked up in panic until he realised it was just you. "Where did you get this book?"

"Oh!" He gave you a warm smile, the kind that always made you smile in return. "Balam-sensei gave it to me because I was… y'know… struggling to understand."

"Can I see it?" You asked, curiosity taking a hold of you. Iruma handed you the book and you leafed through it. Surprisingly, it was a picture book with really easy explanations. Whoever wrote it had your gratitude; these were the kind of books that made learning enjoyable and less daunting. You closed it and looked at the cover to check the author's name. "Huh? Balam Shichirou…? Balam-sensei wrote this book?"

"Yes!" Iruma beamed at you. "He made some of them especially for me."

"That's wonderful," you felt touched even though you had never met the man. When you had aspired to be a teacher, this was the kind of teacher you were aiming for. Somebody who helped even the students who were struggling to understand, from the basics so they could build a stronger structure of knowledge on it. "Is it easier for you to understand this way?"

"It is," Iruma admitted, shyly scratching the back of his neck. You smiled and lightly patted the top of his head, startling the boy a little.

"I'll keep that in mind for my next class," you said. "And while I'm grateful for Balam-sensei… Why didn't you tell me if you were struggling to understand my teaching, Iruma-kun? I would have adjusted for you."

You pouted at him so he knew you weren't seriously mad at him; just a little upset.

"No, no, no!" The boy panicked and shook his hands in a negating gesture. "That's not it, (y/n)-sensei!! I just didn't want to burden you because I was the only one struggling even with your easy explanations… I guess having it in written form like this just helps to remember what you've already taught."

"It's not a burden, Iruma-kun," you reminded him. "It's my job as a teacher to make sure you understand. If you don't understand something, that's my responsibility. If you're worried about being a bother to the rest of the class, you can always come to me after the classes are over to get a quick personalised lesson."

"Eh?" He looked surprised. "Wouldn't that take up your time, sensei?"

"If it helps my students then it's time well spent!"

•

After your classes for the day were done, you asked around the staffroom for where you could find Balam Shichirou. Kalego gave you the directions and you made your way to his office, curious about what kind of person he must be and how he would look. From whatever Iruma had told you, he already sounded like a kind person and a great teacher. You found the door and knocked on it before looking inside.

"Balam-sensei?" You asked. There was a demon with long white hair sitting on a table, writing something down, who startled at your voice. "Can I come in?"

"O- Oh, yes, please!" He seemed a little confused by your presence but you stepped in and closed the door behind yourself. There was an empty stool across the table so you sat down on it. "Um, (y/n)-sensei, would you like some Hell Grey Tea?"

"Oh!" You hadn't expected him to know your name. Suddenly, it felt embarrassing that you had never heard of him before this. "Yes, thank you for the offer, Balam-sensei."

He nodded and got up to make you some. He worked in silence so you took the time to look around his office. The shelves full of books were eye-catching and your hands were already itching to dig into them and read all the unfamiliar volumes. Your eyes drifted over to the book sitting in front of you that Balam was working on. Your eyes widened when you realised it was another picture book, this one on one of the battles that had occured some centuries ago. Your hands moved to check it before you could even think that it would be rude.

"Here you go– oh, you saw my book," Balam placed the tea just out of the way enough so that you wouldn't accidentally bump it. "Do you… like picture books, (y/n)-sensei?"

"Not particularly," you admitted as you skimmed through what was already drawn and written. "But I like to read so picture books are fun too! I suppose I never got much into them because my home was full of textual books and I liked those just fine so I never had any picture books as a kid. I may not know much about them, but this is really well-written, Balam-sensei! You draw so well too."

"Oh," the other demon pinked at your words as he took his seat. "Thank you. I'm glad you like it. I'm making this one for a student but you could borrow a different one if you're interested."

"Ah! That reminds me why I came here," you beamed at him, gently placing the book back where you had picked it up from. "I saw the picture book you gave Iruma-kun in my class today. Our subjects have a small section that overlaps so he was referring to the book you made for him and I couldn't help noticing it. It was truly so easy to understand and it gave me the idea that such a method would be helpful with other subjects too."

"Really?" He seemed surprised by your words but you could tell that he was also touched. "I would like to share them with all the students too, but for some reason, they keep running away when I try to show them my picture books."

"Ah," you leaned back when you realised that you had accidentally leaned over in your excitement. The other teachers in the staffroom had told you about Balam's reputation amongst the students. "I'm sure they would benefit from it. I could share your books with some of my students if that works for you, Balam-sensei. And, if you would be interested, I wanted to try making a picture book explaining my subject too. It's a huge task and I would compensate you accordingly for your time and efforts–"

"You…" If Balam had seemed shocked before, it was nothing compared to his face now. Although his mouth was covered by a metal mask, you could tell from how wide his eyes had gotten. "You want to… make a picture book… with me?"

"Only if you're interested!" You bit your bottom lip nervously. "I personally really liked your books and I thought it would be a great way to learn for the students who have a weaker or slower grasp of understanding. Since I'm not very familiar with the process, I thought it would be amazing if I could have the aid of your experience. I understand if it's a commitment that you don't have the time for, and there's no guarantee that it will work out but I would love to at least try it with you."

"I would love to," Balam uttered softly and even without seeing his mouth, you could tell that he was gently smiling at you with how his eyes curved just so. The sight made your heart unexpectedly quicken and you fidgeted in your seat, picking up the Hell Grey Tea you had forgotten about. "I didn't think any of the other teachers liked me much but I'm very happy that you thought of me when you wanted to try this out."

"I don't think they dislike you, Balam-sensei," you smiled from behind the cup of tea. "But I suppose people just get so caught up in appearances and assumptions. People who have much to hide seem dangerous at first glance and we don't take time to get to know them if we can help it. I admit I might have fallen prey to the same kind of thinking if I hadn't heard about you from Iruma-kun. I could tell you were a kind and wonderful teacher from the way he spoke about you."

Balam's eyes widened and for a second, you thought his eyes seemed glassy. You blinked and the light was gone but Balam's eyes were still the soft shape. Now that you took the time to study his face, you realised he was quite handsome. The thought made you accidentally slam your tea cup down on the table in panic and the ceramic broke, startling the both of you.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry!!" You were flustered but you hurriedly tried to collect the pieces together without hurting yourself. "I'm so clumsy…"

"It's okay," Balam reassured you, coming over to your side to help you pick up some of the pieces. "I'll take them to the trash. Are you hurt?"

"I don't– oh, just a little it seems," you had a very tiny cut from a sharper piece you had picked up. It didn't hurt. You waved it off as you carefully put the pieces you had collected in Balam's large gloved hands. "Nothing to worry about. It will be healed in a day or two. I really am sorry for troubling you, Balam-sensei!"

"I told you, it's fine."

He carefully threw away the trash then returned to you with an ointment from his desk drawer. You had stuck the finger into your mouth to suck at the blood and stop the flow but it felt embarrassing when you realised that Balam was watching you. You hurriedly removed the finger and tried to find a cloth to wipe it off but Balam crouched in front of you and asked for your hand silently. You ended up placing yours in his and watched him carefully pat it off before putting on the ointment.

"Thank you," you blushed fiercely when he was done and still hadn't let go of your hand. In fact, he was now standing up and holding both your arms in his own; the proximity was making your heart beat unnaturally fast. "Um, Balam-sensei..?"

"Yes?" He asked, blinking down at your comparatively smaller form in his arms.

"Y- You can let go of me now," you mumbled. Your words made him stutter and he let go in a panic.

"I- I'm so sorry, I just tend to do that without thinking!" He was blushing too, embarrassed. Balam didn't want to make you uncomfortable after you had been so nice to him. For once, he was actually getting along with someone new. For that matter, you were the one to approach him first! Not to mention, he had found you really beautiful when he had first seen you in the staffroom, laughing at Dali's joke. You hadn't seen him then, but that brief memory flashed in his mind when you softly giggled.

The sound of your laugh made his heart skip a beat. Balam stared at you as you flashed him a warm smile.

"If you wanted to hold me, you could have just asked, Balam-sensei!" You beamed and opened your arms for a hug. "I don't mind you touching me. I was just surprised."

Oh.

Balam's hands twitched for a second, the same nervousness he felt when Iruma tried to touch him popping up. But this time, it felt a bit different. The nervousness in his stomach felt like those fantastical creatures called butterflies that he had read about. His heart seemed to be thumping louder than usual too.

It was only when his larger frame swallowed yours into a gentle grip that he realised. He could feel the outline of your smile against his bicep.

Ah, this was what they called a crush, huh?

°•❀•°

All likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated! ♡

[astrronomemes]

LIFEHOUSE: NO NAME FACE STARTERS (PART I)

a collection of lyrics from the Lifehouse album, No Name Face. requested by @judgementdaysunshine. change & alter as needed.

"I'm falling even more in love with you."

"I'm standing here until you make me move."

"I'm hanging by a moment here with you."

"I'm running, and not quite sure where to go."

"I don't know what I'm diving into."

"There's nothing else to lose."

"There's nothing in the world that can change my mind."

"If shame had a face, I think it would look kind of like mine."

"Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this?"

"Here we go now. One more time."

"I tried to earn my way."

"You'd better believe that I tried to beat this."

"When will this end?"

"I never thought I'd end up here. I never thought I'd be standing where I am."

"I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this."

"I guess I was wrong."

"This is a sick cycle."

"Don't let me second-guess what I know to be real."

"Maybe I just might learn to let it go."

"Maybe, finally, I won't have to know everything."

"Faith makes everybody scared."

"I cannot pretend that everything makes sense."

"I do not know how to figure this thing out."

"I remind myself of somebody else."

"I've got somebody else's thoughts in my head. I want some of my own."

"Am I hiding behind my doubts? Are they hiding behind me?"

"Let down your hair. Be transparent for a while."

"Honesty is a hard attribute to find."

"We all want to seem like we've got it all figured out."

"I don't have all the answers. And I ain't gonna pretend that I do."

"Well, I haven't got it all figured out quite yet."

"She's got a pretty smile. It covers up the poison that she hides."

"The burden you gave me is too much to carry."

"I guess you're the only one left standing."

"You're still the only one who hasn't changed faces."

"Just because it's all in your head doesn't mean it has to be in mine."

"The weak will seek the weaker until they've broken them."

"You lost yourself in your search to find something else to hide behind."

"You can't be weak. You can't stand still."

"Watch your back, because no one will."

"Don't believe the lies that they've told to you. Not one word was true."

"You found me. Somehow, I always knew that you would."

"You know I would if I knew how."

[cappulcino]

How much more entitled can people get?

I literally received a message this morning (5:30 a.m for me) saying:

[Fandom I don't write for] and [Fandom I don't write for] need fics and so do [Fandom I don't write for] and [Fandom I don't write for]

Just that. That's the message.

First of all, fanfiction writers (as well as other artists of any kind who post their work on social media) are actual people with feelings and a life you don't know about. You owe them basic respect. So "Hello", "Please", and "Thank you" are the bare minimum. You can also throw a couple "Sorry to bother you" or "I hope you don't mind [...]" in there if you want.

And I don't care that your English isn't good as it was the case with the person who DMed me. I'm fairly certain your language has words for those, and Google translate exists.

Second. I know my DMs are open and I don't really mind receiving some. But I know some people do mind. So please, as much as possible, keep private conversations for private things. For general questions and requests, there is a....... you guessed it: REQUEST INBOX/ASK BUTTON. Not only Tumblr made it easier for us to know how many requests we have left unanswered (unlike the notification count for DMs that disappears as soon as you open the conversation), but your request and our answer to it might be interesting to others.

Third. When you know a writer (or, again, digital artist, video editor, whatever) is already in a middle of something, sometimes maybe working on several WIPs/requests/commissions at once (+ their personal lives and struggles), you may send your own request. But you may not send several requests a day or one everyday (as it has happened to me), nor keep asking "Have you seen my request?", "When will you answer my ask?" and any other variations of those questions. Again, we have lives and problems outside social media, and we can't burden ourselves with more WIPs than our brain and schedule can deal with.

Also, quick reminder that constantly asking about the progress of a fic or other work you asked for or are excited about does not make said work arrive any faster. If anything, you are pressuring someone that may react the opposite way and be so frustrated they can't do it anymore. Thank goodness this hasn't happened to me yet, but I know that, with my AuDHD and anxiety disorder, if you start asking me about something repeatedly, I won't want nor be mentally able to do it anymore and you'll never have what you wanted.

Lastly, learn how to read. For the love of God, learn. how. to. read. Writers and artists on Tumblr spend quite some time answering asks and making detailed masterposts and introductions for themselves and their work. So take as much time to read those and check previously answered requests because the answer might be somewhere in there.

I have received messages about fandoms I don't write for. What's the point? I have received requests for tropes I'm not comfortable with (and I clearly stated so). What's the point? I have received requests to write in a style that is evidently not mine (and while I do enjoy a challenge, I don't think it's fun for neither writer nor recipient). What's the point?

Also learn how to read the room. If we suddenly stop answering you, you might have done something wrong. If you see us suddenly get tense or a bit rude, you might have done something wrong. And if we express our discomfort and tell you you've done something wrong.... you've definitely done something wrong. There is no need to whine or be disrespectful about it or send anonymous insults to our inbox. Take responsibility, be mature and accountable.

Remember that what we post on social media is for enjoyment, but not only your own –ours, too. And remember that 95% of the time, we are not paid to do this, and yet it takes half if not most or all of our free time. You have no right to be impolite and so entitled with someone you don't know and whose services you don't pay for.

Be better.

[igotanidea]

Worst thing: Dick Grayson x f!reader

Inspired by the song: Worst Thing by NOTD & Kenzie

Warning: inuendo, some action but nothing too explicit, in this case Dick is a bit out of character (just for the sake of it)

Life was too much lately. We were constantly on a mission or a patrol or busy with work or investigating or doing whatever shit our hero mentors had going on. I needed a break and I guess so did Dick. Passing by each other was no good for our relationship, any relationship actually since it had destroyed a couple of mine in the past. Or at least I was telling myself that the reason was behind my double life. The truth however was slightly different. It just every time someone tried to get close to me, hold me or kiss me or touch me, I saw his face in front of my eyes. God damn, Dick Grayson!

I wish we never met sometimes

'Till I'm with another ex, and I

Forget that you're the best sometimes

He was a wolf, no one could deny it. The list of his ex-girlfriends was miles long and yet he could never kept any of them for long. I always wondered why, to be honest. It’s not like he didn’t want a real relationship. I saw it in his eyes when he was looking at me. I saw it in his action we were fighting alongside each other or even when we were spending nights talking about life or just sitting in silence. He wanted someone to care for and love and someone who will reciprocate to him with the same amount of love. He shouldn’t have to carry all the burden on his shoulder, alone and I was trying my best to show him that he had people around. That he had me around. As a friend, of course. I never got the guts to tell him the truth of how I really felt.

Wonder if I'm in your head 'cause I hate this

And I hate that, you're making me say this

Cause I ain't one to say this but

 Our friendship consisted of understatements and restraints. Judging from the time perspective I believe we were pushing each other apart because we were scared of letting someone in and then losing that person or seeing them hurt. And because we were afraid of showing any sign of vulnerability. We trusted each other but confessing true feelings was a one-way ticket way. It was easier to be just teammates. Bruce used to insist that we were training together but that was just it. Nothing more.

We claim we're better off apart

Pretend that we don't get along

At least up to some point.

Like I mentioned, we were good working together, so when another mission and investigation in another city came up it was natural choice that the team voted for the detective and an CSI agent to lead it.

“Ready to go, Grayson?” I asked grabbing my bag, throwing it over my shoulder and walking towards the elevator. Why was he standing like this, eyes open, feet rooted to the ground? “Dick?” I waved my hand in front of his face and he blinked rapidly, out of his Robin instincts grabbing my wrist “Are you sure you are capable of joining me? You seem a bit cuckoo….”

“Joining you? Oh, Y/N. You know well enough I am the leader here.” He smirked and finally moved to follow me out. “You are just a support, not the other way round.”

“Mhm, sure.” I muttered “We’ll see how that goes when we will have to actually talk to people, not beat the shit out of them”

“I can talk to people.”

“Sure, you can Dickie, sure you can” I rolled my eyes smiling lightly at the reminder of his last talk. “But only if we have to deal with tall, blonde policewoman or female agent.”

“You are a female agent….” He pointed out

“Thanks for noticing, genius.” I grinned “I feel flattered that those jeans does not make me look like a butch. Now….” When we got out of the Titans tower I instinctively moved towards the driver side of the car but he yanked me back onto the pavement, causing a little crash between his chest and mine “Ouch….” I whined

“First of all, you have almost walked right in front of a motorcycle so you’re welcome. Second, you are not going to drive my car”

“ Oh, come on Don’t go all man-like on me. What is it with guys and their cars?”

“I’m driving. That’s not up for discussion.”

“all right then. But I’m in charge of the playlist?”

“This is not a field trip Y/N. We’re on a mission. We should discuss what and how we are going to do. Music will be a distraction. Now, get in.“

“Just this once, Grayson. Let’s settle on the fact that work is important, I get it” I moved inside the car and relaxed into the comfortable seat, stretching my legs out “but I also know you are going to go full instinct, so why the talk, hm?”

He didn’t; respond, so in the end we ended up not talking and not listening to any music, just driving in complete silence.  Everything went surprisingly smoothly and within a couple of hours we were done with our little intel ready to go back.

Well, the way back was more of a bumpy ride.

When we were driving through the forest, the car suddenly died on the roadside. With one sharp tug and a bit of coughing coming from the engine we were estranged far from home.

But would it be the worst thing

If your car wouldn't start up

 “Is your precious porche going to the dogs?” I asked unmoved by what was going on “could you try to relight the engine?”

“I am. It’s not working.”

“Ok, then. I guess you probably forgot to fuel up, too busy with ordering me around as usual.”

“Y/N…..”

“Should we call the team to come and rescue us? It’s getting late and dark.” I stretched my back a bit, pointing towards the horizon where the sun was setting behind the trees. “however the view is breathtaking” I smiled a bit, admiring the landscape. I was always a forest creature.

“Y/N.” Dick turned his gaze towards me and as I look into his eyes it was like an electric shock. All I saw in his eyes was just a bit too much and I felt my cheeks flush, desperately trying to take control of the situation.

“Did you plan this?” I asked, perplexed as he leaned towards me over the gearbox, one of his hands finding mine, the other cupping my cheek and I moved towards his touch, too consumed by his closeness to be embarrassed.

“Maybe.”

“So what are you going to do now, Robin? Murder me? Bury me in the ground so no one could find me and you could blame my poor skills for the mission failure? Or….””

“Or what? He asked, his eyes landing on my lips, face inches from mine and I felt his breath on my cheek, his fingers tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, gently, lovingly.

“Or are you going to kiss me?” I panted, my breath fastened with all the emotions I felt at the moment as all of a sudden I became braver than usually.

We had to fog up the windows

When it gets dark

Just to keep us warm.

“would it be the worst thing?” he muttered and crossed the distance between us, both of his hands closing in on my waist pulling me closer. Honestly, despite his skillful lips and my blurry mind caused by the sensation he was giving me, making out while still siting on two different seats was a bit uncomfortable and it wasn’t helping that our hands and bodies wanted to feel every inch of each other.

“Come here” Dick whispered, breaking the kiss for a while, grabbing me by my hips and carefully placing on his lap “I want you closer to me.”

“Good thing we agree on something” I smiled against his lips “but I though the car was your temple?”

“It is. And that’s why I needed you on this mission with me. We had no time or space to talk and clarify things in the Tower. Too many people around….” His mouth moved onto my neck, gently sucking there, probably leaving hickeys that would be impossible to cover. Well, I couldn’t care less.

“And are we talking now?” I moaned softly as his hands sneaked under my shirt “you’re cold!”

“Well, not for long. Not with you baby.”

Due to some magical power I was not aware of, he was soon shirtless, helping me out of my T-shirt, wanting to feel my skin against his. God! I loved those strong arms, making me feel so safe, even if we were in the middle of the wild forest, at complete darkness where every possible psycho could just come at us. I knew if it ever came to that he would protect me. Not Robin. Dick. My Dick Grayson. My boy, I was in love (and in denial of it) for so long. I loved his scared chest, so broad and toned. I loved his eyes, the way he looked at me through those amazing eyelashes. I loved his tousled black hair and his cheeks and his possessiveness and recklessness. I loved how he made me lose control and just give in to the moment. I loved  him all. Good and bat traits. And I loved how he was the one to walk that tightrope between our inhibitions. What else can you expect from an acrobat, right? His skin was a bit rough but soft at the same time, and satisfying his previous words, he was now so warm. I felt his pulse rising as I locked my hands on his neck, playing with the hair on his nape, wanting more of him.

 Judging by his hold on me, he was pretty much immersed with the same feeling.

“I love you” he whispered, now kissing my chest.

“are you going to act on it?” I whined impatiently    

“No, baby. This is just taste of what I can give you. This not the place to go full-on. I respect you too much for that”

“What? Dick…..” I arched my back trying to change his mind

“Y/N…..” he sighed heavily “don’t.”

“Why not? You started this.”

“I can’t really see you objecting, baby.”

“that’s the point!” I hissed “I don’t want you to hold back and …..”

“Trust me, I’ll give you anything you want. But…. I want to do it in more appropriate environment” he whispered in my ear, causing a shiver run down my spine. “Just imagine what’s coming for you.”

“Dick……” I moaned desperately, knowing I already lost this fight.

 “Sush, End of discussion. Now rest.” he winded the seat down making me lay my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. It wasn’t slow and definitely wasn’t calming at first, but soon became steady and much to my disappointment I started to drift off.

“Dickie….” I chuntered

“Yes, baby?” thank god for his flexibility that allowed him to reach to the backseat and gather a blanket to cover my half-exposed figure and a bit of himself

“You really planned this, didn’t you?” I giggled, my breath tickling his chest

“I did.” He sighed, holding me tighter. I felt like a baby, loved, secure, safe with him. Someone was looking over me and being taken care of was such a good feeling……

“I love you, Grayson……”

Wondering where the hell have we been?

And would it be the worst thing if we both fell asleep

Woke up to twenty calls each

 When I opened my eyes again I was tangled in Dick’s arms as even in his sleep he was holding me steady. I tried to move as carefully as I possibly could, extremely sore, but still I didn’t manage to avoid waking him.

“Morning Y/N” he grinned and those sleepy eyes, still a bit blurry with the rest of the dream and hoarse voice made my heart swell. “Did you sleep well? Why are you crying?” he became awake in an instant “did I hurt you?” his alerted voice make me cry a bit more and he was quick to wipe all the tears “Y/N? Look at me. What happened?”

“Those are good tears, Dick. I just….I just feel a lot right now and I’m not sure how to process it all.”

“Well that’s a change from the randy girl from last night” he mocked and I lifted the corners of my mouth lightly

“Well, look what you are doing to me, Richard Grayson.” I looked him straight into the eyes “can we just stay here? In our bubble? I don’t want to go back to the tower….”

“I would love to, but we may be in trouble….”

“How so?” I raised an eyebrow and he handed me our phones. Twenty unanswered call… Each. “Oh, shit…. What do we tell them?”

“That we had the most fulfilling, additional eight hours of investigation” he grinned and I hit his arm, probably hurting myself more than Dick.

If it means that we'd have eight more hours alone

Or even if we never make it home

I guess that wouldn't be the worst thing

“Really? That’s what you going to tell Bruce?”

“I can just admit I finally got you all for myself….”

“Dick!!”

“What?”

“I guess that wouldn’t be the worst thing” I smiled and not able to help myself any longer kissed him, enjoying those last minutes of peace between us, before the search and rescue.

@somest1 @pinksirensong

[desib717]

Part 2) Really sorry but I just got reminded of another thing that I wanted to write in my last ask but forgot.

Penny had (at least seemingly) come to terms with being synthetic as of V8, especially since she was accepted by the people of Mantle, and there were several instances with emphasis on how convenient her being synthetic was. She was much more open and proud of what she was and what she could do, and while she showed regret when it came to her duties and responsibilities, she never expressed displeasure over being synthetic, or a desire to become biological.

And after she became biological, we could see that she struggled with losing those perks of being synthetic, such as having Floating Array and higher resilience/durability. She struggled a lot against Cinder, whereas she had little difficulty taking her on at Amity (while protecting two people and the communication towers!).

What I don’t get is, what was the point of showing all that if the moral of her story was that she was now “free” and better off as a biological human?

I’ve heard people say that it’s just so that she could die for good, but that doesn’t make sense, especially since CRWBY easily could’ve killed her off with her staying synthetic (such as succumbing to the virus/team rwby messing up with Ambrosius etc.). And what was the point of her arc if it ends with her putting her duty before herself and carrying the burden by herself once again (literally the opposite of what V9 pushes)??

*Another thing we never got the answer to; did she become human, or a being of aura like the scan synthetic-Penny did (as she collapsed outside the vault) suggested. And if she’s pure aura, why can she bleed and get hurt? Why does her pure aura even manifest as a biological body at all, especially when a crucial part of Penny’s identity is her being synthetic and she has never been anything but synthetic?

Yeah, the ways she was shown interacting and relating to her bodies before and after the transformation (especially the removal Floating Array and her reaction to it) are some of the biggest things that give me hope for her not coming back in a human body again.

My best guess as to why she manifested an organic body when her aura was separated is that the events of V8 convinced her that she would be better off as a human, and so that's what she became. After spending the worst 48 hours of her life being belittled and dehumanized by those in power due to her nature, and having her agency entirely overridden by the virus, you can't really blame her for thinking everything would just be easier if she were a human.

But then once she got that wish, she realized it was never what she wanted or needed. The nuts and bolts never made her just a machine, but they were still an extremely important part of who she is and what makes her Penny, and discarding that part of her git her killed.

I made a post about this a while ago, but it actually would have been easier for the writers to permanently kill her off if the had stayed synthetic, given that they had already clearly established that destroying her core would make her aura unrecoverable. So the fact that they set up a scenario where her core was taken out of the equations and the rules were completely changed actually makes it easier to speculate about revival

As a last note, I still 100% do not believe the Pure Aura Body theory, I think there's more that enough evidence for her having been human (bleeding, asking Ruby about the new sensations she's feeling, etc) to cancel out the one shaky piece of evidence in favour of the Aura idea (a glitchy optical scan that used the same visual effect that's always used to show aura on other regular human/faunus characters)

[kyriat-stories]

The first weeks were very hard on Eira. She was always surrounded by family and friends, but it was hard to come to terms with the fact that she was now alone, and the head of the family.

- You will manage, Noor comforted her. You are stronger than you think.

- I'm just wondering if he knew, Noor. Because Mezamura tells me he has left valuable stones with her husband in case something happened to him.

- No, he did that a long time ago, Mezamura clarified, I believe it was just after I got married, actually.

- No matter what, he wanted you and the children to be safe. Noor reminded her. It was very foresight of him. At least you won't have economical problems now. That helps, doesn't it?

- I guess.

Months passed and Eira was still burdened with guilt and grief. Noor was always trying to support her sister, but Eira seemed inconsolable.

She refused to go to the Agorá or any other public place, and when asked why, she said she was to ashamed. She was like in a self-imposed imprisonment in her own house.

- You have to explain to me sister, because I never understood why you felt responsible for his death. You were not even close when he died, so why?

- The thing is that for years I hated him. I did! I blamed him for my own unhappiness, my lack of fulfillment in life. There were moments I actually wished he was dead. I wanted him dead, and then he died.

- So you think you killed him by thought? Eira, you know that can't be. Let me ask you this; if I told you I killed Telamon, would you agree?

- Of course not!

- Honestly, I had those thoughts as well some times, when he made my life a living hell. It's human. It doesn't mean I killed him. And you didn't kill Teteriu either.

- But it's not the same! You loved him! And he loved you too!

- Yes! And I know you loved Teteriu, so stop pretending that you didn't. You hated that he controlled your life in a way you didn't like, but you still loved him. And he loved you too! Just look how he provided for you. Even when he is not here!

- That's true. He always wanted to protect me, and provide for me. In the wrong way, but his intentions were good. I guess he did love me in his own way.

- Of course he did! Eira, you need to forgive him for his wrongs and remember the good things in his life. And you need to forgive yourself. Let's go to the temple tomorrow, please. I will bring a chicken and a keg of spirits for offering. We will pray, and we will feel better, right?

- Okay. Oh Noor, I'm so stupid. I miss him so much, I really do.

- Of course you do. And you always will. But life will become easier with time, I promise you.

.

Previous | Index | Character overview | Next

[marshmallowprotection]

Trigger warning for self-harm /////

Please, feel free to ignore it if it's an uncomfortable topic for you.

You know, Kait… I'm on my last month before the exams start, I have to finish my qualification in art and hopefully finish high school afterwards.

However, the stress and the fact that everyone in my class is very talented… It scares me that I'm not good enough.

I'm all over the place for multiple reasons. But I did had a horrible breakdown Friday where I tore apart old work of mine and, well, I hurt my arm. I'm sure you're aware what I'm referring to.

I'm just a little unstable. My question is just how SE would react, because I'm scared of upsetting others with what I've done.

Would he feel triggered? Frustrated? I don't want to be a burden. I'm just a little scared what he would do/say.

TW: Self Harm

SE Saeran just might be one of the few people in your life who would understand what you're going through. He gets it in a way not a lot of people would. This is a part of his experience as a person, too. It's not like anybody ever taught him that there was a word for what he was feeling or how he reacted to those feelings. So, without going too into detail about what he did or felt, just know that he would get it and the quiet understanding he has is purposeful.

He certainly reacted to himself in a lot of painful and obtrusive ways in the past. There are reminders of the pain he caused himself and the pain that was given to him as a result.

It's with him no matter where he goes and there's not much he can do about it.

These days, he has no energy to destroy himself or rip himself to pieces because it doesn't feel worth it anymore. It doesn't give him the satisfaction that it would have otherwise. It wouldn't help him to feel anything because he doesn't want to feel anything anymore. It's better to be apathetic and not get involved with things that're filled with emotions that he isn't sure he should feel.

Is that the best coping mechanism for him? Probably not, but he's in the middle of learning how to care for himself and it takes time for a person to figure out what does and doesn't work. What he does know is that being with you makes things a little easier on the worst days... as hard as that is to admit.

He's seen and done plenty of things he's not proud of. Why would he flinch or back away from you when you feel a moment of weakness? Of fear? Of shame? Of guilt? You didn't do that to him. Why would he ever do that to you? He has no room to judge anyone, but he knows you're the type to beat yourself up over even the tiniest chance that you could trigger him. Seeing you distressed...

Well, for Saeran, it's like realizing even the kindest person is capable of feeling fear, insecurity, and ashamed.

He doesn't say anything. At least, not at first. He doesn't know the best way to comfort somebody and most of the time, his fear is the reality that he might make it worse by saying the wrong thing. So, he does the next best thing he can think of in this case. He takes you by the hand and leads you into the bathroom so he can clean you up as best he can.

You might think the silence could make it too thick to breathe. But, it's comfortable. He doesn't say anything and you can't bring yourself to admit what you feel. He is gentle when he touches anything that's too tender for you. He makes sure it's taken care of and wrapped up so you don't have to look at it. (He'll offer to wrap it later if you need to avoid looking at it later, too.)

"Listen... I know anything I say isn't going to make this better. In fact, I'm sure that anything I say will just make you uncomfortable in the long run... so, I guess... come sit with me. It's not like I'm the best person to hang out with... but at least, you'll have a distraction from your thoughts... we could... watch the clouds together."

[gnomeniche]

I was listening to Two Birds on a wire and then the line “I’ll believe it all”, and thought if Linden and Lucas. Omg it’s them, or from what I’ve seen, its reminds me of the two bros when they were a bit younger.

two birds makes me feel it all honestly. whenever i find characters i can apply it to i just lay there. i didn't even think of them as two birds but now that you bring up "i'll believe it all" i FEEL it.

anyway uhhh i was just gonna go into the twins' relationship and family drama but i guess this is the post where i do a deep dive into linden's fucked up brain. under the cut!

YES they were very close as kids. linden let lucas know what people without second sight were seeing so lucas could avoid being made fun of and lucas often enlisted linden for help when he needed to deal with something supernatural. linden never really questioned whether lucas's sight was real. even though he doesn't have second sight linden is observant enough to see little inconsistencies in things that he notices his brother giving funny looks toward. and he's physically felt invisible things touch him on occasions when lucas would bring him along to check out something weird he saw. so of course it's real. and they'd stand up for each other whenever someone was being cruel to the other. brothers stick by brothers, always.

they grew apart when they entered adolescence bc. well. adolescence is a time where you start paying more attention to what people think of you and what they think is normal. and the constant mockery of lucas started weighing hard on both twins esp since their parents already put a lot of pressure on them. pressure on lucas to not be such an embarrassment and pressure on linden to be perfect to make up for his brother's "failings".

the dilemma was that linden hated how people treated his brother and wanted to stand by him but he also was terrified of being treated the way people treated his brother. and it's really hard not to start resenting your brother when you are trying SO hard and want more than just a shred of affection for once in your life and everyone rejects him and by extension you because you two share a face and are usually together. and it was ABSOLUTELY NOT lucas's fault, but when you are a kid and there's so much you can't control, it's so hard to recognize that the blame falls on society and your parents. it's easier to blame it on something within reach. or someone.

and so eventually everything gets to be too much and everyone's laughing at you two and you snap and you tell your brother in front of everyone that god, they are right, why do you have to be such a FREAK all the time? and your brother, who never fucking expected this kind of shit to come from HIS FUCKING BROTHER, spits back that he always KNEW that one day you'd turn out to be just like everyone else. and then he runs off and you desperately want to apologize for losing it because you never wanted to treat him how everyone else does but he's avoiding you and now that he's not around you people see you without him and they like you more and maybe... you do... want to be like everyone else. you're getting the hang of talking and acting how they want and they light up and praise you whenever you say something they like or achieve something good and even your parents aren't disappointed in you and god it feels so good (but your brother was never a burden to you, says a voice in the back of your head, and you ignore it because you can't go back to the constant shame and fear even though you've just replaced it with a different kind of fear because you can never ever slip up or else they'll treat you like lucas again and then the guilt hits again for having that thought and rinse and repeat).

meanwhile on the outside he's just becoming more well-liked and more of an overachiever and he's gotten so good at wearing the mask that nobody can tell that anything dark is boiling beneath. and lucas never forgave him for it. rightfully so. he was supposed to be his brother and he abandoned him and now he's SO happy with his new life and he barely even acknowledges lucas anymore. and for lucas that's kind of worse? like it would be objectively worse if linden started bullying him after the initial fight but instead he just... stopped acknowledging him. at all. and that did somewhat redirect other people's attention away from lucas but like. your brother who used to wholeheartedly support and believe in you has just fully rejected you in the space of like, a week. it hurts a lot.

but even though it seems like linden has everything he is desperately lonely and living in utter terror all the time. like everyone likes him and everyone is friendly with him but. nobody likes him because they don't really know him! they only know the image he projects. and nobody is friends with him because he doesn't let them close enough even though he does a good job of fooling them. everything he's done for love has just put him farther from it than ever. he can't risk having a crack in the facade and having everyone see that he's someone they'd mock. or worse, someone they'd pity. don't look at him with that pitying expression. no vulnerability ever except for the carefully curated Seeming of vulnerability that makes people more comfortable around you. but no real truth.

but at this point what even IS true about him, anyway? like does it really matter that deep down he really does not want to be like this if he's spent half his life being exactly like this? at some point, if the facade is doing everything, the facade becomes more real than the person. eidolon problems baby. he barely has a concept of what his real identity is anymore because he spends so much time trying to be what others want. he knows he loves and believes his brother but if he can't let himself show it in any way but the smallest, does he?

like he knows magic is real but he spends so much time knowingly lying about lucas's sight being fake. and lucas knows it too. that just makes it worse honestly. that lucas knows that linden doesn't believe this but he is actively choosing to lie about it. and for what? for what, linden?

TL;DR he sucks. i'm holding him gently. he's a terrible brother. he knows he's a terrible brother and he knows his reasons for it are terrible. he's not scared of anything. he has severe anxiety. he's a mean girl. he hates mean people. he's made himself as perfect as he can be. he thinks there's nobody worse than him. he's beloved by everyone. he's still as desperate for any shred of real affection as he was when he was a teen. he knows exactly what path he is going to take. he has no idea what he wants. he's perfectly normal. he is unbelievably fucked up. he has everything. it doesn't make him happy. he's worst boy and he's my favorite.

it's gonna be a fucking ordeal getting him to open up let alone repairing his and lucas's relationship. it's a good thing he's a recurring character before the arc he features in so we can start chipping at that mask early.

anyway as a reward for making it this far i'll leave you with some more songs. "call them brothers" by regina spektor, "aishite aishite aishite" by kikuo, "lying beast" by run river north

[pickledasparaguss]

Virtually all marketing strategies seek to take advantage of human psychology.  "Dark Patterns" in web and software designs are no different and need no regulation. - TECH BLOG POST 1

Before this class I would have never second guessed the information I was putting out online. There was one part in Woellner’s Ted Talk where she discussed how sometimes you don’t even have to type out your information when you’re signing up for something, sometimes it just automatically inserts the information in there for you. Allowing ourselves to become easily accessible to whatever form takes place on the other side of our screen has become a normal part of our everyday life in this day and age. I believe this has to do with the fact that digitalization and technology are here to make our lives easier in some capacity, so in order for our lives to become a bit less complicated, there’s a trade, that trade is our privacy. For some reason when I think about this idea the first thing that comes to my mind is Jean-Paul Sartre’s quote 

"Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does." 

I guess the reason why this quote comes to mind when I think about this topic is because although we are free to make our own choices, we are free to have such easy access to online browsers in order to alleviate stress and burdens in our everyday lives. We are also condemned to bear the responsibility of the consequences of these choices. We are condemned to understand that if we do take the risk of putting our private information out there, we must recognize the risks that accompany that. 

The article I decided to check out from the list was the one about DoorDash and how the food app is now warning people that if they don’t tip, then their food may be cold. I decided to take a look at this article because I’ve BEEN having issues with DoorDash prior to reading up on this. Although I have always tipped with DoorDash, a part of me wants to order something right now as I’m writing this blog just to see if the apparent “Orders with no tip might take longer to get delivered — are you sure you want to continue?” message will pop up if I input a $0 tip. 

As someone who works in the restaurant industry though, I understand where they're coming from. Personally, I make my living off my tips. However, I would never make someone feel bad for not tipping me, or deliver worse service. It’s not the drivers I have questions about with this but rather DoorDash itself considering I have tipped well and still have received my food an hour and a half later, on multiple occasions. 

This reminded me of what Woellner was saying about how these designers, you know, trick you in a way to make you feel bad or manipulate you. I think this example with DoorDash hits a few, if not all of the 4 points Woellner was talking about when it comes to dark patterns. I would say misdirection and the trick question are the closest ones. DoorDash will add the service fees and taxes after the initial price, PLUS you’ll be asked to tip on top of the already pretty high price. Then the “trick question” being “well are you sure you don’t want to tip? Your foods gonna get cold if you don’t.” So even if you don’t feel bad for the driver, they’re putting the onus onto the person ordering the food. 

Returning to the proposition, I would agree that yes, marketing strategies are known for taking advantage of human psychology because at the end of the day that’s what sells, may not be completely ethical, but if you can target a certain amount of people in order to gain profit and you can do that through algorithms and other dark pattern strategies and marketers have that option then it’s going to happen whether we like it or not. 

However, I think because we’re entering a whole new space in regards to technology, our world is becoming much more digitally advanced, far more than I think anyone, at least anyone I know, can comprehend. Saying that these software designs don’t require any regulation would be naive, because really, how can we be so sure that something so easily and globally accessible yet difficult to grasp is safe? We can’t. But that does bring up the next question which is even if we could get a hold on everything and create regulations, how would those regulations look? Would it even be possible especially with such algorithmic yet extremely popular websites like tik tok or instagram. 

"Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does." 

We have the freedom to do and say and post what we’d like, but we must be aware of our digital footprint and the complications that may arise with it. I believe regulations, especially with how advanced technology is becoming is important, but the truth of the matter is there’s bad people everywhere that will try and continue to scam, belittle, and manipulate you, and hey, they could be in person or online. The most important thing is to be conscious about what you are viewing, what kind of information you’re giving out, and who there is to trust.

[pidge2080]

Oct 2nd, 2023 - Weekly Check-In

I'm changing my check-ins to Mondays since it's easier to keep track of that way. And I'm adding my Tarot readings on the end, with a disclaimer.

I've only been tracking since Friday and I'm not going to go over all of the progress I did/didn't make since August. But since then I've lost 3.6lbs/1.6kg with 35lbs/16kg left to go until my current major gw and as a reminder: I have hormonal issues and I'm still at a high weight, and I just started again. My gw even is higher than most peoples', but I'll be very surprised if I don't plateau after losing less than 10 lbs.

Bills are due today, so I've been really munchy from stress. I spent most of the morning focusing on getting things done and I didn't eat until noon.

I had a few more cookies, some beef jerky, a slice of pizza left over from yesterday, and a mandarin. I seriously can't stop thinking about coffee though, a filling and warm drink would fix me. It's working so far to split my eating up into larger snacks right now, my cal count is still well below my goal for the week. Also the pizza tastes better reheated, I think the sauce sucks. Don't do store brand, I guess.

I'm hoping not to eat much for the rest of the day and I'll be under 500 if I manage that. Even with the mandarin I'm sitting pretty at 499. It counts! It counts.

It's only Monday but I'm really not enjoying this week so far. The fact that I'll be relieved of most of my financial burdens next month makes it feel heavier with how close it is. I feel insane. I want to sleep until the weekend, and I would, but I've been sleeping like complete shit. I'll have to make it though because I'm resilient!! 💪

As a disclaimer going into this: I don't think cards are magic. I think human brains are magic pattern-interpreting machines and I find tarot useful for connecting thoughts I was already having. It's a great introspective tool, in my opinion, and it helps if you can recognize when the cards don't reflect reality. I've had a few such cases.

I did two Tarot readings today, one was more personal and one was for this week's focuses and energies. They both had all of the same cards in different positions. I am terrible at bridge shuffling.

My weekly reading indicated that there's a lot of potential in things working out for me but I'll need to steel myself and act as an authority. This probably has more to do with my apartment situation than WL, but if I had to guess in that respect I can see where this reading might be about food/eating boundaries and expectations. I will probably have to hide my issues from someone in close quarters who has/had the same ones and my greatest fear is triggering someone else back into it. I'll be thinking about both interpretations and return to it next Monday.

[writing-how-i-feel]

Why is death so kind?

I guess I see death a little differently than people I talk to. I also realize saying shit like that makes me still the emo teenager all these years later but I think every goth punk emo kid who has "grown up" has some edgy opinions too. Death is probably not a healthy fixation I have.

To not be me. To not think my own thoughts. To not have to spend all of my time trying to create versions of myself that pass as a real person every single day. I think the amount of effort it takes to be a different person makes death seems so inviting. I know I am weak and lazy, I have known this for a long time. I know others struggle and work through it. Why couldn't I be that way? Why does the idea of not turning the wheel as I go through the winding roads feel like it would be just so much easier?

Inaction calls to me, it whispers so sweetly in my ear "Don't look up, don't listen for the cars, just walk," "Relax. There is no lifeguard; five feet is more than enough to sink," "You can let them just fall into your hand; don't count. Close your eyes and swallow." It would take so little to be set free.

I have learned how to be a person. I know when to lie and when to omit. I know that others often say things they don't mean. I have figured out how to tell. Many years of getting this wrong has helped make an abundance of versions of myself I can present as a real person. There is still some hurt I feel when I get it all wrong. It reminds me that I have to try to be a person harder than I think should be necessary. I haven't given up, despite how tiring it is but I fight on in this way.

I know that we can choose the person we are. I know that on a fundamental level. I make the actions of the person I want myself to be. The actions are supposed to make me who I am. Why does it feel like I am never the true person who is performing those actions? I can act kind. I can act helpful. I can act considerate. I can act empathetic. Why doesn't my actions make me who I am? Why can't I forgive myself for thoughts I don't even want to have? I don't want to wish pain on others. I just want every part of me to align with my actions.

I do fight. I fight every day. I fight to not spread the malice inside me to anyone else. I fight to not want harm and hatred in the world. I don't want anyone else to be like me. I don't want to do anything that would cause others to hate like I do. I also fight to be a real person. I don't want to get that part wrong all the time. I hated being alone in a room full of real people. But I am weak and I am lazy and I see no end to my fight other than death. So it seems like a kindness. Death offers a hand as if to say "I see your burden is small and insignificant but for you it seems so heavy. Leave it; leave it all behind and walk away with me."

[bluestsdays]

this wasn’t how she expected this conversation to go when she imagined it, if they ever decided to have it, in the first place. it was easier pretending all this pain didn’t lurk just under the surface, that she wasn’t reminded of his absence every time she read a new text or admired the grainy image of him through her phone screen. it was all a reminder of what she lost, what she wished she fought harder for, knowing what she does now, feeling how she does, still, after all this time. she doesn’t feel sufficiently equipped to do this right now, though, already torn and tattered from her previous back and forth with fletcher, but it doesn’t appear that she has much choice— they’ve already opened the box, allowing all of that hurt and regret to roam freely between them. fingers rake down her face, then, letting out a loud sigh, voice raw and cracked. “ fuck, i know— i know it’s not a competition, i shouldn’t have said that. ” it’s just that she’s already on edge, on the defensive, but she knew their breakup wasn’t particularly easy for either of them, that they both suffered in their own ways, ones that continue to echo into who they are today. and it somehow hurts worse, now, seeing how he gets up, how he extends his arm out to her, as if he was going to reach out and touch her, but stopped before making contact, as if there was no point, as if he thought better. remembers a time when they didn’t have to think about any of it, and she yearns desperately to have that back, for even a second. wonders if maybe these wounds might heal if they could just hold each other for a little while, leaving all the regret and bitterness behind. instead, she’s oscillating between numbness and despair as she listens to him, hearing that he regrets all of it, thinking about just how different all this could have been— she’ll forever be haunted by that phrase. brows furrow, however, as he continues, suddenly overflowing with discontent. “ that’s bullshit, miller, and you know it. you know you would never have been a burden to me. ” god, she would have done anything just to hear his voice in those first few months, even if he just needed to unload all his fears and frustrations, all his regrets. it would have been a gift, not a burden. but, then again, he’s right— the phone worked both ways. she didn’t call him either, despite how often her thumb hovered over his name late at night. maybe she was afraid he wouldn’t pick up, or that she would become a burden to him, too. either way, she can’t hold it against him, soon shaking her head, letting out a conciliatory sigh. “ doesn’t matter now, i guess. i’m sorry, too, and i don’t even think i’m mad anymore, or that i want to be, i just— we can’t change any of it, now. ” they couldn’t dwell on what could have been, only what they have left. except she possesses a sinking feeling, judging by the way he can’t seem to look at her, how he speaks with such despondency, that maybe he wasn’t coming to the same conclusion. fissures and fault lines begin to appear along her heart as he speaks, breath caught in her chest as it threatens to shatter. maybe he was wrong ? fuck, she’s going to be sick. eyes are wild, searching, pleading for it not to be true, that he’s not saying what she thinks he is. she always held out hope that one day they would find their way back to each other, soulmates reuniting, and she thought he did, too. apparently he changed his mind. “ you think you were wrong ? about us ? ” can’t control how her voice cracks, lower lip trembling slightly. “ are you saying you want to spend the rest of your life with her, instead ? that there’s nothing here, anymore ? ”

doesn’t know how this had dissolved so quickly; how they’ve gone from how they were earlier in the kitchen, far too caught up in one another’s orbits, to this, the air so tense and strained between them. instant regret floods into his system, for bringing this up here, now, seeing that it wasn’t entirely appropriate, to be talking about the severity of their pain, following their breakup, while their respective partners are only a few walls away. at the same time, he doesn’t know when else would be the right time to discuss those details— they’d obviously been avoiding it, in the months that they’ve been reacquainted, apart of each others lives, once again. truthfully, he didn’t know how to move forward from it, without addressing it; it’s clear that it’s been weighing on his mind, adding to the anvil that’s been pressed against his chest, perhaps enough to cause damage, to snap the chamber around his heart— maybe that’s why all of this is bleeding out of him, now. “ who said anything about easy, devon? ” he counters, well aware that they both had it hard, over those two years, that neither of their journeys apart came without bruises and scrapes along the way. “ i’m not trying to make this a competition— you know that’s not what i’m trying to do. ” still, it hurts to hear her own regrets, that she would’ve gone with him. god, how had they fucked this up so badly? guilt twists in his gut, as she continues, a similar shade to the one that had followed his shadow around, in the early days of their breakup, going over everything he could’ve done differently, to prevent this from happening at all. it’s written across his countenance, chiseled into the fine lines between his brows as they draw together, into the ones along his forehead. he sits there, watching, helplessly, as she reveals the anger she held towards his decisions, too, the resentment he’s sure that accompanies it. feels his own breath become shallow, then, as the tears gather behind her eyes, sinking further into that pit of despair. he rises from his seat, wanting nothing more than to reach out to her, arm extended to do so, to offer solace, comfort. but he stops himself before he gets close enough, knowing that he’d caused this, that she probably didn’t want that from him, not anymore. “ i’m sorry, ” he utters, voice tender, not much louder than a whisper. “ i regret it, all of it. every single day— i wish i did things differently; that i told you about it, from the beginning. i always think about how things might’ve turned out differently, for us, if i had. ” and that’s what hurt most, didn’t it? that they didn’t even have a chance for things to work out for them; that he’d ripped that away by not telling her anything sooner. it all materialises as a thick lump in the base of his throat, unable to swallow it away. there was no reconciliation here, nothing he could say or do to fix it. “ i never knew how to reach out. didn’t want to burden you, with everything that i had going on, ” a painful ache spreads through his chest, then, remembering how she was once the one person he’d go to for anything. “ but a phone works both ways, you know? nothing stopped you from reaching out, either. ” a sigh, again, palm of his hand tracing down the edges of his features, head bowed once he finds difficulty in looking at her again. “ i don’t really know where we go, either, ” he admits, sadly. “ didn’t think it would ever turn out like this, though— thought it would always be you and me, in the end. but, i don’t know… maybe i was wrong. ”

[garbagereceptacle]

I GOT DELETED.

A little argument over whether or not Genshin Impact shamelessly copies off Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom I guess was the final breaking point. I think the deletion/block? off Discord only really serves as a reminder that my friendship isn't really a net positive to people. I can't say this is the first time it's happened and as someone who once cried over being called a bad person, you would think I have some urge to prove otherwise.

I can't honestly tell you what drives me, and if I were brave enough to propose a nihilistic theory as to what, I would probably say hedonism and selfishness, but the truth is I can't really discuss this with anyone without any sort of negative feedback. And that isn't even a good theory because those traits just seem like symptoms to a much deeper problem. I think even admitting that to anyone would put them on alert as to how I could potentially hurt them.

Maybe I just use people as outlets for my own thoughts and entertainment and I don't care about them at all. In retrospect, it seems like a no-brainer from the outside looking in, but messing around with his girlfriend is not something you do to someone you consider your childhood best friend. And even though he forgave me quickly then, I can't help but ask if I even deserve it and if things like that make it easier to just forget about me.

I worry about the people I talk to now. Or maybe, I just worry about losing them and confirming what I already think about myself - that I deserve to be alone. Whether I bother them too much, weigh them down with too much negativity, burden them with my problems and rants. What are they getting out of talking to me really and is it truly worth it for them? I worry that people are better off and happier without me. If we're being honest, I 100% believe they are. Sometimes it feels like my thoughts and words just cast a shadow over their otherwise relatively unproblematic existence.

Do I deserve to be with anyone? I wonder if I'm hurting my girlfriend's one shot at a fulfilling life by being with me. Because I know I'm not personally fulfilled so much so that I have the urge to write a blog post to nobody about everything going on in my head. Does she deserve someone who isn't constantly questioning who they are and what their value is? Sometimes I wonder if I'm better off alone so I can't hurt anyone. Sometimes I think if this were to fall through, I probably wouldn't start a relationship with anyone again. I think life might just be easier when you leave your self-destructive tendencies to yourself. At least then, there is no one there to hammer the point home.

I wonder what I would have written about today if I hadn't found out he unadded me an hour ago.

[itsrj25]

We have the power to choose whether to accept things, even when life gets tough due to circumstances beyond our control. I usually avoid talking about my personal problems in public because I don't want to bother or upset anyone. I'm good at putting on a brave face, so you wouldn't guess that I'm dealing with something that's affecting me directly. It's quite challenging, to be honest. Even though I'd like to share my frustrations with someone, I don't want them to feel burdened by my issues.

Over the years, I've faced many challenges, but I often feel like I'm alone and can't rely on anyone, even though I've been through so much. I've even had doubts about my faith because it feels like I'm navigating life's challenges on my own. It's hard to put into words just how painful this has been.

Honestly, I've never been proud of myself because I'm aware of my limitations. I've often felt insecure in my surroundings, comparing myself to others. People may see me as happy, but the truth is, I grapple with various emotional issues, and I often feel like I'm facing them alone. There have been moments when I've told myself, "I'm really tired. I can't handle this anymore. It's too much."

However, despite all the challenges, I've managed to stay strong, stronger than ever. I've reminded myself that I need to be the best version of myself because no one else can truly help me. Remember, you are the only one who can solve your problems. Your friends can offer support, but ultimately, it's up to you.

In today's world, life can be tough for almost everyone, and dealing with daily stressors can be overwhelming. We're all human, with our own emotions, needs, desires, and worries. But in the end, we can acknowledge how fortunate we are. I always remind myself that focusing on the positive aspects of life makes it easier, and I believe that facing challenges is what allows us to grow and live fulfilling lives. Keep fighting! 😊

[deyadee]

Giving Up Would Be So Much Easier

Recently I’ve kind of let myself go. Not entirely but a lot compared to when I was working. I’m out of diet pills and the ones my parents use I’m not allowed to use because they’re too strong apparently. I’ve pretty much given up trying to make better health choices because even though for a millisecond I feel better and think I’m doing better the second I eat said food or go without and watch someone else eat it I feel like shit. The food tastes bad and my heart sinks seeing how some people can do minimal exercise and have a worse diet than me and still be thinner than me. I hate seeing myself naked. Why do I have to have two big mirrors in my room to constantly remind me of how other people see me? I’ve stopped using my acne wash for a while because it seemed like it stopped working and now my face is fucking covered. My shampoo and conditioner isn’t fucking working anymore and it just makes my hair feel like straw and it makes me look like I haven’t showered in a month when I fucking showered yesterday. My mom and dad keep telling me about housekeeping jobs around us and I know I don’t want to go back if it’s going to be as shitty and extremely nit-picky as my last job. Stressed if I’m working, stressed if I’m not. I’m running out of money. Well I guess not, because I have around $640. Which is more than usual. But I have a limit to not spend anything once I hit $500. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’m just lonely but I’ve realized more than my previous reasons why I at least won’t be getting a partner for the next ten years maybe. I don’t have a job. I can’t drive. I barely go out. I don’t pay or do my own taxes. I have damn near any practical skills. I have no talent. I don’t have my life figured out and I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t dress well. I look old. I have no ambition. I can’t find someone that’s like me, or someone who can fulfill all of the normal human shit and actually want to be with me.

I just feel like giving up on my life would be so much easier. I hate hating myself over what I eat or being miserable when I eat. I hate feeling like a burden. I hate feeling like I need to win everyone’s approval when I know damn well I’ll never win anyone’s. I hate being self-conscious about every tiny thing. I hate not being able to talk to people, or feeling like I need to talk to them. I hate not being able to take any bit of criticism or negativity. I hate feeling like a loser. I hate hating my own hobbies and feeling ashamed for everything I love. I hate that I cry so fucking ugly. I hate that I can’t accept myself in any way. I hate my appearance and how I never can reach the level I want because I’m fucking fat and ugly. I hate not being able to show weakness. I hate not being respected. I hate being seen as stupid. I hate that any of my criticism isn’t taken seriously, or it’s not good enough, or that I hate my own criticism and think it’s never good or worthwhile. I hate being so desperate and feeling like I need love. I hate saying that I have no friends. I hate feeling ashamed for every part of my body. I hate envying others so much that I wish they would suffer. I hate being terrified of the most stupid things. I hate being so naive and stupid and being taken advantage of. I hate how I’m 20 but I feel like I’m 12 or 30. I hate being seen as 12 or 30. I hate overthinking everything. I hate how I have to come crying to this blog because I feel like I can’t talk about any of this to anyone. I hate constantly hiding my feelings. I hate feeling like I’m not justified in feeling certain ways. I hate how I’m a narcissist. I hate living up to expectations that are bare fucking minimum. I hate how I have no original fucking opinions. I hate my past. I hate how I was a bully for two grades. I hate how I treated so many people that I’ll never have the guts to apologize to. I hate how every main friend or friend group I had growing up took advantage of me and always stabbed me in the back. I hate how I blame my problems on the past and not seeing that I am and was as much of a shithead as anyone else. I hate having to question whether people actually treated me like shit or it’s all secretly my fault. I hate how I feel every problem in my life spawned from when I was a kid and everyone called me weird or fat and made fun of me. I hate that I still look back at those memories and think it’s my fault they happened.

I’m inferior to everyone in every way, I’m a worse version of anyone else.

But everything would feel so much better if I could just let go. Just accept who I am or ignore it. That’s how plenty of shitheads and normal people live their lives. I could eat what I want. I could be happy. I could feel proud of myself and not blame myself for everything that’s ever happened.